No Fair! How to survive a sibling rivalry war zone

I didn’t think that I had experienced sibling rivalry since there is a seven-year age difference between my younger brother and myself, until I started writing this article. Through the mists of time, memories came flooding back. In particular, a hilarious incident when I asked my mom if we could “send him back!” The answer, much to my dismay, was a hard no.

As the older child I often felt that my parents were taking my brother’s side in our disputes, as they assumed that I should be more mature. (Ha! Had they met me?)

My brother and I grew out of our rivalry, but in many families, sibling rivalry can be constant and exhausting, with parents playing referee during frequent fights. Much of this rivalry and jostling for parents’ attention and approval is normal and inevitable, but it is still highly disruptive.

The art of living together

Siblings who are close in age and of the same gender often clash. However, according to Cory Bentley, a psychotherapist and the owner of Canoe Therapy, friction between siblings is more often caused by a child’s emotional makeup, such as how rigid or flexible they are in dealing with others, and their level of confidence.

“It’s a personality driven thing where some kids are born with a real need for justice and fairness and when they get overly focused on that, where does it play out? ‘Oh, someone got a bigger piece of cake.’ It’s the kid’s personality playing out in the structure of the sibling framework,” says Bentley.

After learning basic relationship skills from parents, the next step is for the child to learn sharing, negotiating, competing, interacting, and boundary setting with other children – particularly their siblings. Yes, there are bound to be growing pains. Luckily, parental coaching can help to defuse rivalry between kids and encourage them to have a strong bond. If parents model this with their own siblings, even better!

As Bentley emphasizes, “It’s not the amount of fighting that indicates whether they’ll have a positive relationship, it’s the number of good moments they’ve had together… And you do have control over the good moments.”

Making sure that your kids understand that they’re expected to have each other’s backs when they’re at school and involved in other activities goes a long way to create a lifelong bond.

To foster that connection, Shari Markovich, registered psychotherapist at Family Matters Centre, offers these parental coaching tips:

Avoid comparing children to each other.
Spend one-on-one time with each child.
Avoid blame and encourage respectful expression of emotions.
Teach problem-solving and encourage team-work.
Don’t force apologies too quickly.
Notice and call-out the good you see (co-operation, kindness, etc.).
Allow children to develop their own identity and avoid labels.
Keep in mind that when children feel securely connected to parents and emotions are handled calmly and respectfully, sibling rivalry is reduced.

When it’s too much

So, you’ve tried these tips and the kids are still at each other like proverbial cats and dogs! When should you seek professional advice?

As Markovich explains, “There is a difference between normal conflict and ongoing hostility. Parents must intervene and/or seek outside help if there is persistent humiliation or aggression between siblings.”

According to Bentley, often sessions with parents are what is needed –- not necessarily sessions with the children. “Parent coaching can really go a long way,” she says. “But if the friction is really getting one of the kids down, it’s taking a toll, it might be something to look at.”

Bottom line: Don’t hesitate to seek help if you feel that your family needs it. A sympathetic ear and practical strategies from a professional can work wonders.

By Cyndi Ingle